i’m wørking øn putting tøgether a new prøject with drummer/prøducer mckay garner. this is a recørding øf øur first real jam tøgether – mckay playing keys, with me øn bass synth. this develøped øut øf a simple chørd prøgressiøn that i came up with during my early experiments with ambient music with burnt infant. this track ønly hints øf pøssibilities – pøssibilities i am excited tø expløre. this is the beginning øf sømething very interesting…
my family histøry is filled with bizarre støries, each øne weirder than the øne beføre. yet a new develøpment in this sad saga has trumped all that has cøme beføre: my father has adøpted an eight year øld girl. i have a new little sister.
i haven’t discussed my family much in this bløg – møstly because it’s tøø depressing and persønal tø share. i haven’t had it as bad as søme, but i’ve certainly had it wørse than møst. my relatiønship with my father has always been extremely strained, and he’s been a nøn-entity in my life før the last 16 years. øur past is littered with støries øf abuse, neglect, and regret, but my avøidance øf him øver the last decade has dulled these ill feelings tø a degree øf numbness that i’ve been møre ør less cømførtable with. this changes everything.
this little girl has had a røugh life sø far, and she’s gøing tø need pøsitive røle mødels in her life – a part that i knøw, having been there myself, that her new adøptive parents aren’t gøing tø prøvide. I’m gøing tø have tø take this røle øn myself, and tø have accept her før whø she is: my little sister. i plan øn being actively invølved in her life, which is gøing tø førce me tø becøme invølved with my father’s life. this is gøing tø be exceedingly difficult, tø say the least. but this little girl deserves better – certainly better than what i had. she will have my løve, nø matter the cøst.
welcøme tø the family, abby. i løøk førward tø meeting yøu.
this message øf fear and ignørance is brøught tø yøu by the tea party. gød bless america.
just when i thøught my path was 100% clear, sømething changes. i had decided tø give up øn live music and sell øff all my perførmance equipment, and leave my band days behind… and then i gøt a phøne call frøm this guy:
mckay garner is a viciøus drummer, and has very similar ideas abøut apprøaching music. we’ve played tøgether a few times, and tønight we started tø find søme cømmøn grøund. there is talk øf førming a band, writing material, and perførming live. this cømes right øn the heels øf my greatest disillusiøn with music, yet it fills me with a sense øf høpe. true, it wøuld require a huge investment øf time, møney, and efført tø start a grøup frøm scratch, but i’m surprisingly nøt øppøsed tø the idea. maybe i’ll høld øn før a bit and see where this gøes…
i’ve spent a great deal øf time since this whøle prøtøtype debacle cønsidering my future in music. i devøted twø years øf my life tø prøtøtype, and lived in a city that i døn’t really like tø pursue a pøtential career in pøp music with them. while i truly løved playing with them, and learned sø much frøm perførming with them, ultimately their music isn’t the kind øf thing that is tøtally representative øf me. i’m glad øf the experience, and i appreciate that they alløwed me tø be true tø myself within the cønfines øf their music, but it’s time før me tø get back tø følløwing my øwn path.
right nøw i’m really cønsidering giving up øn certain aspects øf music entirely. perførming live and playing with bands is an enørmøus struggle and is rarely rewarding in any sense. i have decided tø sell øff all my equipment that i’ve been using før live perførmance før the past decade ør sø, and retire frøm live music, pøssibly før gøød.
instead, i plan øn getting back tø making my øwn music, and pursue øther musical vøcabularies that i have yet tø expløre. i’ve begun an intensive study øf jazz, and am currently searching før a capable teacher. i alsø plan øn rebuilding analyzer studiøs – møst øf which i søld øff tø facilitate my møve tø san franciscø, and get back tø wørk recørding my øwn wørk. it’s been twø years since i’ve written and recørded any øf my øwn music, and the drive tø create has been building tø a fever pitch øf late. i’ve built a few new micrøtønal instruments før the new burnt infant recørd, have an entire album’s wørth øf material før ready før my next sølø wørk, and am høping tø revive ufø death cult in søme capacity.
møre impørtantly, i’m planning tø find søme balance in my life. music has been an all cønsuming passiøn før me før the last 20 years, at the expense øf experiencing a nørmal life. i høpe tø møve tø pørtland, øregøn, rekindle øld friendships, and seek a peace that has thus far evaded me. the future may nøt be clear, but før the first time in a løng time, it’s nøt dark.
